Background Credit

I just wanted to say thanks Jin for the background!! I never know where to go to change my background and you always give me sites to check out whenever you change yours so I felt I should give credit where credit was due! It was about time for a change.

Have you ever been really hurt or upset by something but felt that you really had no business being mad about it? Thats how I feel today I am so frustrated by things going on...so overwhelmed by everything...and I feel like I unintentionally created new issues for myself. Whenever I feel like things are going great something ALWAYS manages to rain on my parade. I don't know if its hormones or what but I am just a mess today and should have kept my butt in bed. I have no reason being at work today...

Moving on...

So my period showed up after a huge dip and a 17 day Luteal Phase....I thought this was our cycle but I am not mad that its not. It would have been perfect because of timing with work but I can't plan my life around work, right?

I am actually trying to prepare for a horse show this spring and I want to compete in the show pretty BAD! So Amir and I decided yesterday that if it happened great we are not preventing it and we would obviously be THRILLED but I am not gonna worry about the fact that it hasn't happened until after my show. I can't ride if I am pregnant, at least not as rigorously as I want to in order to compete in show. Riding keeps me sane and it gives me time to think and spend time with me if that makes any sense and I truly love it. I reaaaaalllly want my own horse! Amir said we can discuss that within the next few years. I just want to be able to ride whenever I want.

In other news the first few weeks of school have been exhausting to say the least. The first few weeks you must focus heavily on classroom management and instructional time comes in between that. On top of that I am the grade level lead so I have a lot of additional responsibilities which have lead to a lot of late work days.... I just have a lot going on... I teach all day, then work aftercare a few days a week, then have my own graduate course I am taken as a certification requirement, then I am an adjunct professor at a college out here and teach one night a week there I love my college class though they are pretty awesome....Then I have to find time to be a wife which is my favorite job and I need time for ME. The funny thing is as crazy as my schedule is I wouldn't change a thing because I hate a lot of idle time.... but I will not front like I am not EXHAUSTED!

This leads to an argument I had with a cousin of mine a few weeks ago. I hate confrontation and try hard not to put myself in it but I felt like this was a case where I needed to stand up for myself. Tiffany (My Cousin) asked me to be the Godmother of her child when she was pregnant last year. I told her I did not think this was a good idea for several reasons and respectfully declined. Although I didn't get into my reasons with her I felt I had tons of valid reasons for not wanting to be the Godmother

• I live in Maryland they live in New York, I never really see my cousin so I would likely never really see her child I didn't want to be a Godparent that was pretty nonexistent in her life. Even when I go to NY I am going to visit my immediate family and very close friend unfortunately this cousin does not fall in the spectrum and I kind of try to avoid my moms side of the family which is another story in and of itself. Needless to say I didn't think I would see her much.
• The other reason I said no was for my own moral beliefs...My cousin thought it was OK to sleep with a married man and TRY to get pregnant (we wont even get into how I feel about the fact that she GOT pregnant and there are so many other women who have been trying forever and can't and are not sleeping with married men) She got pregnant this man left his wife (not divorced just moved out) and is living with Tiffany and their daughter...I try very hard not to be judgemental but there is SOOOOO MUCH wrong with this picture!!! I truly felt in my heart that I did not want anything to do with the situation and therefore I did not want to be the Godmother.
• Another reason I said No is because I already have a Godson here in Maryland and Amir and I decided that was enough.
• Finally I will admit as selfish as it sounds at the time that she asked Amir and I were moving towards TTC our own child and that was where my focus was and that's wanted to think about. I wanted to be there for my cousin but not in that capacity.

So needless to say I said NO.... She begged and begged and begged and simply said I was honored but did not think it was a good idea. So finally her last attempt she got me she asked me to stand up in church as the godmother because we are catholic and the rules of the church are that the godparents must be catholic. I said fine. Fast forward to about a week ago I am being yelled at disrespected and being sent text messages telling me I am a horrible Godmother because I don't ask how her daughter is and see her daughter enough.... Umm I speak to this cousin almost everyday!!! and in the midst of the conversation I usually ask or hear how her daughter is doing I didn't know it was a requirement me to literally state on a daily basis..."How is Hailey" I also live 4 hours away I am not coming to NY weekly to see anyone gas and tolls are expensive and since Hailey has been born I have been to NY 4 times I have seen her 2 of the 4....and one of the other times we had plans to see each other but she had strep throat....I am sorry but I simply did not see where I was wrong at all in this situation and I refused to admit fault. I explained to my cousin I was doing the best I was able to do and with all that was going on in my own life including TTC our own child...I could not give more of myself. I am usually the friend or family member that goes above and beyond for others and I often over do it and often give so much of myself with very little if any appreciation...I then find myself upset and feeling unappreciated. So in this case I refused to give more of myself...Needless to say this conversation ended with me saying I don't think i am a good Godparent for her child and she obviously feels I am not doing a good job so maybe she should ask someone else...I told her I am stepping down as godmother. This turned into her feeling that I was saying I did not want to be in her daughters life and she says that hurts her to no end. So as a result we have not spoken since this argument....

I don't know I just feel like its time for me to give to myself all that I give to others and if that makes me selfish well I guess that's what I will be but I think everyone has the right to be selfish every once in awhile.

Confident!!

So I walked into this cycle with alot of confidence. I just hope my new found confidence doesn't cause me to come crashing downs when and if things don't work out for me. Anyway my chart looks good in terms of I know I o'd this month I think I am 2 dpo and I am so happy!!! Even if this month doesn't turn out to be the month I am happy that I know I am ovulating. I am happy that everything so far is I guess OK and I think the reality is that I needed to be a little more patient.

This month would be amazingly perfect. I would not have to return back to work until Baby Greene (as Amir and I call our nonexistent child) is almost 4 months which makes me feel so much better than sending a 6 week old to daycare. It gives me the whole summer to bond so I am praying with all my heart and soul that this is our month. The timing is right, our timing was right, and I know for a fact I actually ovulated! So I feel good about this cycle but I know I need to be patient and all things will happen in due time.

Schools Back In Session

Sorry I have been so MIA blogging! School is back in session and the kids arrived yesterday. I have been so busy getting ready and I still have tons to do. Yesterday was a long and exhausting day. I didn't leave work until about 6pm last night and when I got home I just crashed. I slept from 630 until about 11pm. I then got up completed some work I needed to get done and then went back to sleep. Well I will give a detailed account of my first week in a few days . I now need to get ready for work....

Before I do...I must add that I spoke with my doctor and I don't have PCOS. She said to just monitor my cycles and keep her posted if they continue to be out of wack.

Finally!!!

AF has arrived!!! I don't think I have been this happy to see my period in AGES!!! But I am happy to move on to a new cycle and I promise to be as deligent as possible with temping so that I can see if I am Ovulating at all. I will have the results of my blood work later this week the doctors office said it takes up to a week for Hormonal testing to be complete. I am excited and have decided this will be it!

PCOS???? WTF!!!!

I went to the doctor today and my doctor basically told me this is what she believes my problem is. Truth is I am such a self diagnoser (totally not a word) and suspected this. It was just lastn night I was sitting at the computer reading symptoms off to Amir seeing if he noticed any of these symptoms. I dont really have any of the symptoms except the all of a sudden irregular Periods and my miscarriage history. I wont know 100% for sure until my blood work comes back. This makes me really sad and upset and frustrated. I really had a break down today and if one more person tells me "Its just not the right time and you will get pregnant when the times is right" etc.... I am going go off. I don't get how its the "wrong" time. We have money in savings, we have very little debt, we have the space, and we have the desire. I just hope this works out.... I don't want to spend cycles inducing AF by using Provera. I don't want to go on Clomid. I just want to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy on my own.

I just don't understand how or why and all I keep wondering is WHY ME? I feel like I am being punished for somthing.

Needless to say today was not a good day :-(