Crashing...

I don't know what's up with me lately but I am exhausted and overwhelmed. As a kid I was always the cry baby in the family and as an adult I kind of resented that and don't cry too often. I am pretty sure that's not good considering since having Alex and being diagnosed I can count on my fingers how many times I have really cried. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. I had big plans to get out the house early so I could get to work early and get some things done. I get all the way to work only to realize I had not taken a medication I absolutely needed to take prior to my treatment that afternoon. I was unable to get in touch with Amir so I had to leave work shortly after arriving and go ALL the way back home. When I got in the car I just lost it and I pretty much have been an emotional mess ever since. I hate feeling weak. I met with my oncologist yesterday and admitted that the combination of being a new mom, that works full time, while attempting to be a good and supporting wife, in addition to all this cancer crap is taking its toll on me. I am tired not only physically but mentally. I feel like my only peace of mind lately is riding...I love my horses and its one of the few times my mind is actually clear. In many ways it has replaced what ballet used to do for me.

I can't sleep...I spend half the night tossing and turning and the other half listening to the snores of Amir and Alex who tend to sleep so great. When I am sleep I can't cut off the stress of my life. I am dreaming about work or things that need to be done at home.

I don't know what to say except its 3:30am I have to be up in 2 and half hours and I don't see an end in sight. I think I am finally crashing. My oncologist told me to slow down and that no one is going to give me an award for being super woman. In fact she was just about ready to pull me out of work. The truth is I don't know how to slow down....One of my biggest stressors right now is I feel like I am not doing enough. I want to go back to school and get my PhD before Alex is school age. That seems virtually impossible now. I have all these plans and everything is on hold and I hate it. I function with list and deadlines and dates. I plan everything! The fact that I am feeling so out of control of my life right now is truly the reason I feel so spent. I need to find a way to stop, regroup, and get organized. Until then I really think I am going to only continue to feel like I am crashing.