Reverb 10: Day 6

Prompt:

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Lol does Alex count? Seriously...I can not think of the last thing I made. I thought about this all day and I have got nothing. I used to very well with crafts. I love to Knit and Crochet and scrapbook but I can not think of the last time I have done of this. I got very lazy with crafting and life got in the way of the fun things.

I really want to make an afghan. I love to crochet I just haven't had a moment to finish a project in forever. I have made tons of baby blankets, I have made a scarf and hat. So I absolutely would love to start and FINISH an afghan.

I am FREE

Being discharged from the hospital today! I am so happy to be going home. Yesterday my veins went rogue on me and decided they were tired of being pumped with antibiotics. As a result the IV starting leaking back out and I had to have the IV removed. BUT, they accessed my medi-port for the rest of my stay which made my life a lot easier.

I am only allowed to have things done one my left arm because I had lymph nodes removed on my right side and anything done to my right arm puts me at risk of getting Lymphedema which is not fun. I think my left arm was just overused while in the hospital. I had an IV line, was getting my blood pressure checked multiple times a day, and was getting blood draws once or twice a day. So it was definitely a lot for me and my poor arm!

Any who I am just so happy to be leaving. I can not wait to see my baby boy!!

Reverb 10: Days 1-5

Prompt:
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My word for 2010 is Bittersweet. The dictionary defines bittersweet as "both pleasant and painful". This is how I feel. This year was amazing for me. I spent the first half of this year getting to know my son in a way only he and I can share because I carried him in my belly and got to connect with him in a way that is truly special to me. It was amazing because I also gave birth to my son and my family grew. My husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary and I became an Aunt. The year truly has been "sweet" to me and it really is hard for me to complain. The good truly outweighed the bad. However, there is still that bitter side. Towards the end of the year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my life changed drastically.

My word for 2011 is free. I hope to be free of the burden of cancer and free of all the baggage that has come with it!


Prompt:
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Talking on the phone! I spend A LOT of time on the phone and Amir often complains that I am always chatting with someone when I walk through the door from work or while I am doing other things around the house. I think because I am far away from a large chunk of my family and friends this is how I stay connected to them. But I absolutely could do a lot less chatting on the phone and dedicate more of that time to myself, Amir and even Alex (although Alex get a large portion of my non working time). Sometimes I talk to the same people multiple times a day. I probably could reduce that to once. So although I can not absolutely eliminate my phone time I definitely think I can reduce it.

Prompt:
December 3- Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

This is a very simple moment for me. The day before I went into labor. I was already a week and half over due and it was early summer. Amir and I knew that any day now we would no longer be a duo but a trio and we were really committed to making the most of our last few days together. This particular day we took our first trip of the summer to my favorite summer spot, Annapolis, MD. It's a 20 minute drive from our home and it is the like heaven to me, I LOVE the water. The air smelled warm and salty and we walked along the harbor and looked at the yachts. We had Sydney, our 4 year old cocker spaniel, with us and she was excited and jumped all over the place. There were a lot of other dogs out so Sydney was barking every once in awhile and trying to chase every seagull she saw. Although I was very far in my pregnancy I did not feel bad at all I was just happy to be out. I love the spring and summer and we choose to be out in the sun daily if you let me.

We stopped at an ice cream shop and got ice cream. Amir got a cup and I for chose to get a cone with two scoops. Although we were right by the water the air was stick hot and sticky and in hindsight that cone was a bad idea. We sat at a table outside the shop and ate our ice cream, while Sydney napped under the table. Suddenly not one but both scoops of ice cream I had fell right off the cone as I licked it because I wasn't eating fast enough and it had melt because of the heat. Sydney immediately hopped up and helped her self and Amir and I could not help but laugh. I went back inside and got some more ice cream and when we finished we hopped in the car and headed home. It was just a great day.

I really believe it was the perfect ending to our duo...the next evening my water broke and the day after that we welcomed our son into the world. Everything just came full circle for us.

Prompt:

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

This unfortunately is where I must reflect on my diagnosis of cancer. I can not help but wonder where would I be had things been done differently.

What if I would have gone to the doctor when I "thought" I felt a lump and not waited until I absolutely felt one.

What if I would have insisted my doctor take the lump more seriously instead of telling me I was to young to have cancer and that they would do nothing until after I was pregnant.

I have so many more what ifs.... I can not help but wonder how things would be now had I followed my instincts sooner.....

Prompt:

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I am still in the process of working on this but I am trying be more receptive of letting others help me. I am a very private person and I don't like to except the help of others. I don't like feeling like I owe others and I don't really like being dependent on anyone other than me. If I do not depend on others than I can not be mad at any one letting me down right? I truly need to let this go. Since getting sick in many ways I have had no choice but to let go but, it is still a constant struggle.

I also let go of anyone or anything that I felt was an unnecessary stressor for me. This started while I was pregnant because I grew up in chaos and this was something I never wanted for my children. From the moment I found I was pregnant I decided I needed to remove the stress. A lot happen at the end of last year and I got a late start on committing to this but I did stick to it in 2010 and am so grateful I did. Life is so much easier without added chaos and drama.

Last...I am letting go of my hair! I mentioned earlier my hair has begun to fall out. I am actually anxious for a hair cut and embracing what is happening. There is no need to cry over spilt milk...just clean it up.

Reverb10 Challenge

I just signed up to do the Reverb10 Challenge. Its annual blog event where you spend time each day reflecting on the past year. The reverb 10 website gives you a prompt for each day in December and you must blog about that particular prompt. Since its already the 5th I am going to do one entry answering the 1st 5 prompts. I intended to sign up sooner but life got a little crazy over the past few days.

Here are is the website with the rules and prompts.

I am so bad at keeping up with my blog I hope I can stick to this one! I think it will give me something fun to do and positive to reflect on with all the craziness going on.

Back in the Hospital

Yep.... I am BACK in the hospital, been here since Thursday. I was admitted for emergency surgery do to an infection in one of my tissue expanders. I had been feeling kind of run down all week but thought I was catching the flu. My immune system is already weak and people all around me including both Amir and Alex have been sick so I figured thats why I was feeling run down. Wednesday I was suppose to go to a meeting a Georgetown and out to eat with some people from work but I was feeling so bad at work that I cancelled everything and went home and crawled into bed. Thursday I woke up still feeling a little out of it but I had a pretty calm day planned, physical therapy, a workshop, and then chemo, so I just figured I would pull through. I did notice however a big bump that had surfaced on my right breast. It was very soft to the touch so I knew there was fluid under the skin. When I went to physical therapy my therapist took one look at the bump and insisted I call my plastic surgeon immediately and go in even if that meant missing my workshop. I went to my workshop but called Dr. Lenert (My Plastic Surgeon) as soon as her office opened her nurse told me to come in ASAP.

I arrived at her office at 12 and as soon as she looked at the bump she said yeah thats an infection. She told me she wanted to operate immediately to remove the infected implant and that I would need to hospitalized until the infection subsided. I was not allowed to go to chemo and pretty much was sent up the street to the hospital immediately. By 4:30 Thursday night I was having surgery and I have been here ever since. I spiked 2 fevers and my white blood count was very high but it is finally dropping back to normal. A normal white blood count is 3 or 4 and mine was 27 on Friday, 15, Saturday, and 11 today so we are headed in the right direction. I should be discharged tomorrow.

While in the hospital I did make one other discovery...My hair has begun to fall out. I can not touch or comb it without chunks of it coming out at a time. So once I am out of the hospital I am going to get a hair cut. Not going to shave it off or anything just yet but cut it into something a little more manageable. Because at this point I can't even put my hair in a pony tail because all of my edges are gone.

Chemo

Tomorrow is my first day of Chemo. I have had a medi-port put in which is basically a way to give the nurses direct access to your veins without having to get an IV every time you go. I had a surgery to put this device under my skin in my shoulder and I numb it with lidocaine about 30 min to an hour before chemo and the connect the me to an IV line through the port. This is suppose to be less painful and a lot simpler than an IV at every appt. I have to have my blood drawn once a week and they can use the port for this purpose as well.

So I have to take 3 different drugs in my Chemo regimen. The plan is to take the first two (adriamycin and cytoxan) and which are the worse of the 3 simultaneously, bi-weekly for 8 weeks. In addition to this I have to go in the day following my Thursday treatment to get an injection. The injection is to boost my White Blood Count because the Cytoxan affects my white blood cells. Once I am done with this 8 week regimen which brings right into the new year I will start a 12 week regimen of the last drug (Taxol). I am going in to take this once a week and I do not have to get an injection along with this unless my blood draws show a low white blood cell count.

Now thats just the chemo. I am also mid reconstruction. I have expanders in and because I was having a rough time healing I have not had them expanded any more than the size they were when I came out of surgery. The purpose of expanders is to stretch my breast muscle and skin in order to get a permanent implant in there to fit properly. So in between Chemo sessions I need to go in to see my plastic surgeon who will inject Saline into each expander on a biweekly basis until they reach the right size. I will then go back into surgery to have to expanders replaced with permanent implants. But here is the kicker before each expansion I have to get my blood drawn! If my white blood count is down...I can't get expanded.

Once I have the surgery to replace the expanders with permanent implants my plastic surgeon will then use some excess skin to make nipples and then they tattoo them on. Currently I just have a straight line going across my breast.

After I am done with the 5 months of chemo I will go on hormone therapy which is a pill I take daily for the next 5 years. the drug will continue to suppress the production of hormones in my ovaries. If Amir and I decide we want to try for another baby we can come off the drug and under close monitoring try to conceive but that also hoping that my fertility was not compromised from all the meds. My oncologist believes because of my age I should be ok in a few years to try and conceive again. I think we will try again in 2 years and then I am going have my ovaries removed at the recommendation of my oncologist. The purpose behind this is to prevent my body from over producing estrogen which my tumor tested positive for.

Our other option for fertility was to go through an IVF cycle now and harvest the embryos. We opted against this for several reasons. The biggest reason being that I still have not started a cycle since I stopped breast feeding. Because I can't predict when it will show up we didnt want to put off chemo and just wait for my period. The other reason we opted against was the money. With a new baby in our home we can not afford the added, unexpected expense of IVF.

Any who I think that pretty much covers updates on the cancer front.

In the world of Alex he is doing AMAZING. Gosh I just love this kid. He has his first tooth coming in and he is now sleeping in his crib (YAY me! We know this was a big step for me) I am so happy I made the change I sleep so much better now. He has also been sleeping through the night the past few days but I am not sure if thats a fluke. I will say I think its funny that I was once told that Alex co-sleeping with us was inhibiting his ability to be independent and self sooth because I can lay him in his crib at the sight of sleepiness and he will put himself to sleep without even a cry.

Finally had a break down

Since the moment I received my diagnosis I have tried to be strong. In many cases I feel I have handled this news better than some of my family and friends who have cried and clung to me since day one. I think I finally really broke down yesterday and my poor husband did not know what to do. He tried to make me feel better but nothing he said made me feel better and finally he just stopped talking. Its so dumb because I was crying over something so minor. With all the MAJOR factors I need to consider with the reality of breast cancer. I was sad because I was going to have no hair for my next birthday. I guess in my brian I thought by the new year I would be done. Yesterday I met with the oncologist and the reality of Chemo really kicked in. The reality of being tired, menopausal, sick, and hairless for 5 months hit me hard. I know it sounds so trivial. I know I need to be grateful for my life and for the medical technology that has helped me survive this but I am still a 26 year old woman and I just want to be that. I just feel like cancer has taken ALL that makes me a woman away. I will go through early menopause and need to PRAY it reverses or we will have no more children. I lost my breast and now my hair.....I am heart broken. Not to mention I feel like a terrible mother. I can only hold Alex for but so long before it becomes painful or difficult. I am tired ALL the time and I just want my life back. So I guess in retrospect I was not crying because I was going to be bald for my birthday it was because I realized how much of my life cancer has taken from me already in its short lived presence and I realized how far we still have to go.

In other news my beautiful baby boy is now 4 months and I still could not be more in LOVE! We opted to introduce solids and the suggestion of our Pediatrician. I was originally going to hold off until after the 6 month mark but Alex has shown interest in food and I feel he is ready and with all thats going on we just needed a happy moment. I love feeding him its fun! We have only done rice cereal and sweet potato and I am making our baby food using a food processor. I have enjoyed spending more time with my little man while I have been home recouping. I did send him back to the babysitter this week because I am home alone this week and it would be too much to care for him on my own.

Here are some pictures of him eating rice cereal :-)