Finally had a break down

Since the moment I received my diagnosis I have tried to be strong. In many cases I feel I have handled this news better than some of my family and friends who have cried and clung to me since day one. I think I finally really broke down yesterday and my poor husband did not know what to do. He tried to make me feel better but nothing he said made me feel better and finally he just stopped talking. Its so dumb because I was crying over something so minor. With all the MAJOR factors I need to consider with the reality of breast cancer. I was sad because I was going to have no hair for my next birthday. I guess in my brian I thought by the new year I would be done. Yesterday I met with the oncologist and the reality of Chemo really kicked in. The reality of being tired, menopausal, sick, and hairless for 5 months hit me hard. I know it sounds so trivial. I know I need to be grateful for my life and for the medical technology that has helped me survive this but I am still a 26 year old woman and I just want to be that. I just feel like cancer has taken ALL that makes me a woman away. I will go through early menopause and need to PRAY it reverses or we will have no more children. I lost my breast and now my hair.....I am heart broken. Not to mention I feel like a terrible mother. I can only hold Alex for but so long before it becomes painful or difficult. I am tired ALL the time and I just want my life back. So I guess in retrospect I was not crying because I was going to be bald for my birthday it was because I realized how much of my life cancer has taken from me already in its short lived presence and I realized how far we still have to go.

In other news my beautiful baby boy is now 4 months and I still could not be more in LOVE! We opted to introduce solids and the suggestion of our Pediatrician. I was originally going to hold off until after the 6 month mark but Alex has shown interest in food and I feel he is ready and with all thats going on we just needed a happy moment. I love feeding him its fun! We have only done rice cereal and sweet potato and I am making our baby food using a food processor. I have enjoyed spending more time with my little man while I have been home recouping. I did send him back to the babysitter this week because I am home alone this week and it would be too much to care for him on my own.

Here are some pictures of him eating rice cereal :-)

Halfway done....

So I had my surgery a few days ago and I am starting to feel a little bit like my old self again. I am in a little pain but am able to get up and move around now. I have these things called drains in (which are very nasty so I won't go into to much detail) but I am hoping the drains will be out tomorrow! I think thats been the worse part so far to this whole experience. My breast look very funny right now. When doing reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy they put what is called an expander in. The expander is a temporary implant that is gradually filled until it reaches its maximum size over the course of several weeks. The purpose is to allow the skin and muscle surrounding the implant to stretch. My left side is larger than the right and my nipple is still intact on that side. Its only larger temporarily because that side was able to handle more stretch during surgery than the right. My right side is a lot smaller and there is no nipple so it looks very strange. They both look very bruised and battered and I don't have a whole lot of feeling in either of them.

I didn't look at them until about Friday and almost had a break down at the sight of them. I guess in my brain they were suppose to look just right automatically but thats not reality.

Tomorrow I have an appt with both my Breast Surgeon and Plastic surgeon and then Thursday I have an appt with my oncologist to discuss next steps.

Alex has been wonderful. He is such a happy baby and its something I definitely need right now.

Well at least I have made it through half the battle and we shall see where the rest of this takes me.

Next Steps...

So I am really still overwhelmed and saddened by all that has happened. However I have no time to be worried or scared or stressed, Alex needs me and me not being around for him is absolutely NOT an option so we have to do whatever it takes for me to be a part of my sons life ALWAYS. He is my reason to fight.

So Dr. Teal is my breast surgeon and she is one of the best so I do feel I am good hands. Her recommendation for next steps is extremely drastic though and I am so overwhelmed. She wants to remove both my breast. Not only does she want to remove both my breast she wants to do it a week from Tuesday. This is all happening so FAST and I feel like I have not had a real time to process this. The cancer has likely spread to my Lymphnodes. I have been poked and prodded so much in the last week that I am just DONE. But I can't be done and I think when I realized that I finally had the breakdown. Right on the hospital bed as the radiologist was taking samples of my Lymphnodes I just cried. Cried because I can not in my right mind BELIEVE this is happening to me. Its like a bad dream.

So the game plan is as follows:

I will be having double mastectomy on Tuesday October 12th. The reason for this is because at the age of 26 the odds of the cancer spreading are HIGH appearently in women under the age of 35 breast cancer is really rare. Not only is it really rare it has proven to be more aggressive. So Dr. Teal feels that we should not only remove the infected breast but also take the second as a preventative measure. She fears it will come back and if it does it will be harder to treat. It has to be done so soon because the cancer has already begun to spread.

After the mastectomy I will have reconstructive surgery so I will be in surgery for hours....I don't know much about this process yet. I have an appt with the Plastic Surgeon on Monday. I never thought in a million years I would be getting breast implants.

After all of this I start Chemo. I need to get in to see the Oncologist next week so that I can get a clearer understanding of my options and then I will know how long chemo will be etc.

Right now I am numb. But I am trying to regroup and get a rationale stance on things. I will likely try to get in to get a second opinion next Friday. As long as that Dr. says she agrees then I will absolutely be having surgery. I don't know what else to say right now. I have so much to do. I have disability paper work to submit and I have to take a Leave of Absence from work and I dont even know how long I will be out. I am just trying to wrap my head around all this and also stay halfway sane.