First appointment with my Midwife!

I had my 12 week appointment Tuesday and it went great. This was the first appointment I had with my Midwife and it was AWESOME. Amir and I really like her and I am confident that I made the right decision in choosing to use a midwife for our pregnancy and birth. We spent about an hour speaking with Marsha about our wishes for our birth and our plans for pregnancy. One thing that is very different from a doctor is how much responsibility is put on you for your birth and I really appreciate that. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and she took a ton of blood. We also went through a lot of paperwork. We had to sign a contract agreeing that I would take care of myself and maintain a healthy lifestyle by exercising and eating right during pregnancy. I also have to hire a birthing assistant (also known as a doala) this is basically someone who will be at my birth and give me extra support and help me through the birthing process. I have already found the doula I want and hopefully will go interview her next week. Based on her bio and her referrals I am super excited that she will be the one I want to work with. Here is her website. We also are required to take a birthing class which we already intended on doing. We will be taking Bradley classes that start in February and last 12 weeks, Amirs response to this we have to go every week for 12 WHOLE weeks!! LOL I just looked at him and laughed. So I feel that my birth is definitely in my hands and this is all I have wanted from day one. I have not shared with many people my birth plan because I am not in the mood for the opinions and criticisms. I have told a few people and most are supportive but I have heard a few negative comments as well so I feel I will keep it to myself.

I am also getting so much grief about not finding out the sex. That is something I will not change my mind about. I really want to wait and I really want Amir to be the one who tells me the sex of our baby, it may sound cheesy or cliche but thats what I want. I have started looking at a few baby things and found this bedroom set I really like. I am trying to decide if its TOO feminine? I have heard that it is and I have heard that it is not...is it sad that my logic is that even if its slightly girly if we have a boy its OK because it wont really matter until he is a toddler and by then we will make his room a big kid room lol.

In other news Amir and I have lived in our house as long as we have been married, we moved in one month after our wedding date, we JUST bought living room furniture yesterday lol. I am very excited about this! We live in a 3 level town home and we have a family room in our basement we have some furniture down there and thats where we spend most of our time. There is also a laundry room and our guest room down there. On the first floor we have a kitchen, dining room, and a living room. For the past year that living room has been the home of about 4 boxes we have not unpacked and thats it we finally decided it was time to furnish it. The top floor is where our bedroom is and the nursery we also have a 3 room but it was converted into a walk in closet.

Thats about it for now on the updates I will take before and after pics of the living room once the furniture is delivered. I am exhausted and can not WAIT until the 18th we have 2 weeks off for the holiday and I am looking forward to it!

Holidays and Everything in Between...

So the Holidays went well I was very excited that so much of my family came to visit I haven't been to NY since the summer so I missed them alot!! I did not get to see my little sister but, she is 12 and very excited about her new role as a Auntie, but I will see her for Christmas. Amir and I decided we are going to NY this year because most likely once baby is here we will be less willing to want to take baby away from their home for Christmas and Thanksgiving is usually Mother-in-Laws Holiday.

I got the most amazing news the other day...My brothers girlfriend is pregnant too and she is due a few weeks after me. I am due June 19th and she is due July 5th, which is actually our wedding anniversary. This was such a surprise to me but I am glad my baby will have a cousin very close to him/her in age. My mom past away several years ago so on our side its just my dad and he is going from NO grandchildren to two within weeks of each other so he is thrilled. My brother is actually older than me so everyone has been waiting for him to get married and have
a baby. The baby just came first lol.

As far me I am feeling good. No real morning sickness anymore unless I take the prenatals on an empty stomach then I feel pretty crappy for awhile. I actually must not have eaten enough this morning because I got sick and had to get someone to hold my class so I could go to the bathroom :-( . Otherwise I am fine the breast are still sore, I still have some fatigue here and there, and I still have really bad gas pains, but everything has gone from being daily to every once in awhile.

We picked names! We are not finding out the sex of the baby so we picked a name for each. Both middle names are family names and the first names both begin with "A" Amir felt very strongly about that lol I personally didn't need it at all...Anyway our names are:
Alexander Kelson Greene for a boy ( I loved Alex and Amir liked Alexander better and wanted our son to have a formal name this made sense to me and I like the name so thats how we picked that, The middle name belongs to both Amirs Grandfather and Uncle, he was very close to both of them and they both have passed away)
Alia Lynise Greene for a girl (Amir and I both love the name Aliyah but decided we did not need the extra letters and when I looked at the name Alia was an alternate spelling so chose that. The middle name is a combination of both of our mothers names.)

So thats settled :-)

Here is a survey for my pregnancy so far and my first "Bump" pic (it is really just bloat but I am still happy lol)
How far along are you? 11w2d
Maternity clothes? none yet
Weight – Loss or Gain? Still have not weighed myself
Has your shoe size changed? no
Stretch marks? none yet
Sleep: has gotten much better but I still sleep ALL the time
Best moment this week: finding out my brother and his girlfriend are expecting as well!
Any Movement?: too soon
Food Cravings?: sweets mainly ice cream
Food Aversions?: none
Belly Button in or out? in
What do you miss: caffeine...I know its OK to drink it in moderation but I am still scared and am dying for a coke or a sweet tea I am trying to make it to second trimester before I give in.
What are you looking forward to: my first meeting with my midwife next week
Weekly Wisdom: if you have a taste for it or are craving it EAT IT as long as its not something you clearly shouldn't have.
Milestones: Realizing I am only a few short weeks away from 2nd Tri!!

Updates all around

Working with kids is going to be a challenge trying to ensure that I don't get sick through flu and cold season is going to be super difficult. I stayed home Tuesday because I was not feeling too great and I think a day of rest was all I needed because I feel a lot better today.

I went to the doctor yesterday and all is well with baby Greene. Based on measurements the baby will be due June 19th which puts me at 8 weeks 5 days. I am so excited because this is all becoming so real for me. Amir went with me to the doctor yesterday and then after we had lunch and ran errands. One thing we did that really solidified the baby was one of our first baby related purchases! Well sort of. The room that will be the baby's room has carpeting in it and I did not want carpet in that room. We have pets and because of shedding and pet dander etc... I felt better with floors in that room so Yesterday we bought the hardwood floors that will go in that room! I was very excited. We had no intention of doing that until after the new year but the wood we wanted was on sale at a price we couldn't beat so we bought it early.

We have also told our families. We couldn't really hide it anymore so Amirs mom and brothers know as well as my dad, Step mom, siblings, and grandmother. Which likely means all of the family knows. My dad is very excited as this is first grandchild.

I haven't done my update survey in awhile so I will do that today. My symptoms are off and on I have good days and bad. But it is all worth it knowing what the end result will be!

How far along are you? 8 weeks 5 days
Maternity clothes? None as of yet
Weight – Loss or Gain? Gained one pound
Stretch marks? none
Sleep: The exhaustion is dying down and I am slowly getting my energy back....I am still dealing with restless sleep though
Best moment this week: Seeing the baby yesterday it is starting to look more like a baby now and the heartbeat was very strong!
Any Movement?: Way too soon
Food Cravings?: Sweet things
Food Aversions?: None at the moment just depends on the smell if I dont like the smell I will avoid it.
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What do you miss: Having a lot of energy all the time
What are you looking forward to: Getting a visible baby belly
Weekly Wisdom: Being pregnant is like PMSing all the time. I am always irritable and I have just learned to simply AVOID those who annoy me at all cost. It may seem rude to them but really I am saving us both the stress of my not so nice ways when you are driving me insane.
Milestones: Telling my dad he was going to be a granddad....I havent seen him this excited since my wedding!

Hello Morning Sickness.....

So far I have felt pretty good and was actually concerned because outside of a missing period I never really felt pregnant. Then the boobs started hurting and the stomache issues kicked in but it was still nothing to major. Well I guess baby Greene decided I was getting off way too easy because as of yesterday my neaseau here and there as transformed into all day neaseau which nothing seems to cure on top of vomitting anything I try to put it.

Yeah this is not fun I dont think I have really had a full meal for real since about Monday morning. I also have moodswings that are out of this world.

Thats it for the baby update. Life is pretty much the same all I do is eat, sleep, and work. I am looking forward to the Holidays because I havent seen my family since early August and I really miss them. They are all coming for Thanksgiving and Amir and I are going up to NY to see them for Christmas. We are not buying gifts this year we decided it was to furnish the house we have lived in over a year (I know its a shame but we always find other things to spend money on). So we need a livingroom set for our formal living room. We need to finish painting, we need a new dresser in our bedroom and I would also like an ottoman for the bedroom. Once we get that together the house should be pretty much done. The rooms we live in all the time are toghether just not the rooms no one ever goes in....We will get there eventually my goal is January.

Baby Greene's First Pic!!!

So as you can see I went to the doctor today and I had an ultrasound. It went really well I even got to hear the heartbeat!! That was the best sound I have heard since the words "I do." I am excited so far everything looks good I am going back to the doctor for a second ultrasound on the 11th because they don't know exactly how far I am. But thats because they are basing everything on a typical 28 day cycle instead of my 33 day cycle which would give them a more accurate time frame....So we shall see what happens on the 11th..

Update

I got the results back from my Beta and so far so good she said my numbers went up to 3000 which is normal for 5 weeks so I guess when I found out I was barely 4 weeks pregnant. I turn 6 weeks on Thursday and am going to have an ultrasound done that day I am really looking forward to that and hoping we can see the heartbeat....I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I am stealing this from a message board I frequent on thenest.com but I thought this was cute survey. Its posted weekly and all the pregnant ladies respond with a weekly update so I am going to try and do one of these once a week in my blog otherwise I will not remember to update.

How far along are you? 5 weeks 4 days
Maternity clothes? None as of yet
Weight – Loss or Gain? Actually lost 2 pounds
Stretch marks? none
Sleep: Wake up in the middle night for a bathroom trip every 2 seconds otherwise I am exhausted so all I do is sleep!
Best moment this week: Getting the results of my second Betas
Any Movement?: Way too soon
Food Cravings?: I dont really have an appetite but the two times I had a craving it was for some type of meat. Last Thursday I had to have a hamburger and I wanted nothing but that and then Saturday I had to have a steak. I think this is because I typically do not eat alot of red meat.
Food Aversions?: Pizza :-( I ate some last night and the toilet became my friend and from that point on the smell just made me so sick.
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What do you miss: Coca Cola...I am taking a break from all caffiene and I really miss Coke.
What are you looking forward to: My Ultrasound Thursday I hope we can at least see the heartbeat on the screen
Weekly Wisdom: Pregnancy make you sleepy is an understatement I have no energy and usually can fall asleep at the drop of a dime.
Milestones: Telling my best friend I was expecting. She cried...

Looking at Things Differently

I am not AS nervous anymore.... There is still that thought lingering in the back of my mind but I realized that I need to stay with my faith. Over the past few weeks I have been taking a huge step in my spirituality I just realized that I really needed to take a step back and put certain things in the Lords hands and I really needed patience. As crazy as this sounds I feel like once I did that Amir and I got our Positive pregnancy test. So in realizing that I put this thought in my head with miscarriage I put the thought out of my head. I have been reading the bible a little bit here and there and I really believe sometimes what I choose the read I have chosen for some reason...The other day I read a verse that essentially said that you need to maintain faith and that fear is something that was established by the Devil. This didn't make me remove all fear immediately but it made me realize have nothing to fear things will work out the way they are intended to and Amir and I will deal with whatever is handed to us regardless of how hard it is.

How I am feeling....
Still neasueas and having some issues with my stomache. My boobs are also beginning to hurt. Initially only my nipple was sore. I felt as if someone decided to pinch them and never let go but over the past few days I am finding that my whole boob is starting to get sore as well. I am also EXHAUSTED all I want to do is sleep.

Nervous....

I am trying not to be nervous but the thought of miscarriage is in the back of my head daily. I went to the doctor Thursday where they took betas. I was told yesterday that although everything looked fine they want me to come back and do a repeat of the beta test to make sure my hcg levels are rising and this really makes me nervous. WHY would you think they are not? Is this to my history of miscarriage? I am just scared.....I really just want everything to work out and I feel like all I can do is wait and see. I need to stay off the nest boards because I feel like I always end up reading something on them that stresses me more or scares me.

In other news... I have an appointment with a midwife but its not until December. She came highly recommended from a really great friend so I am definitely using her. This is scary though because I feel like I have pretty much decided to have Birth Center Birth with a midwife...WOW

First Doctors Appointment

So yesterday I went to the doctor and it was pretty uneventful. I filled out a ton of paper work and the doctor asked me a bunch of stuff and then I did a Beta test and that was it. I am waiting for the Beta results back I can call the office after 2:30pm today. So I guess I will call at 2:31pm lol. He said when I call in for that I can schedule an ultrasound to date the pregnancy. His EDD is June 17th I am betting that I am actually due June 20th or somewhere around there so we shall see.

I did decide that i am switching to a midwife practice. I felt so rushed yesterday and felt as if I didnt get any of the questions I had answered. I walked out more confused than when I walked in and that is NOT how I want the next 9 months to be OR my labor/delivery for that matter. So I am going to schedule the ultrasound because I am anxious for that and then I am going to jump ship and switch to the practice I found.

How am I feeling? This seems to be the question I get coming from the very small sample of people who know and in a nut shell sometimes I feel great other times I feel TERRIBLE!!! I am neasueas constantly...and the heartburn stays around daily now and for the last 2 days (THIS IS TMI so SORRY) I have been constipated and my stomache is killing me as a result. I am also super exhausted I honestly think I have been in bed by 9pm every night this week. I am still really just getting it....I am having a baby...I am going to be a mom....Now I am trying figure out when to tell my Principal. I feel I have to tell her soon because I will be going to the doctors and because I think the sickness will only get worse. But I am not sure when....My students I think I will let them figure it out later on. But we shall see.

Guess What.....

We are PREGNANT!!!!

I took a pregnancy test this afternoon on a whim and it was positive!! I am 12 days past ovulation and had a few minor symptoms that could have been read either way such as nausea and heart burn. I am still in complete and utter shock and have looked at the test a trillion times because I really can't believe it. Amir is being a little cautious he said he is happy but doesn't want me to get my hopes up until I see a doctor and am safely out of early miscarriage danger. I have an appointment on Thursday afternoon.

I pray pray pray this all works out but I am thankful to God that we got over this first hurdle!

We are not telling family until Thanksgiving I hope I can hold out that long but for now.... blog followers you are the first to know!!!

Graduate School

So I think I feel like I am not doing enough when I am not in school because I am going crazy feeling like my mind is idle. I am taking a class for my certification but its very repetative in stuff I have learned already so its not really driving my desire to be in school.

With that being said I am applying to Grad School...I am looking into a PhD program at the University of Maryland. Its a PhD in Education Policy which falls right in line with my ultimate goes of moving into education administration and working for a school board or eventually becoming a superintendant. The program is very rigourous and I have to actually take the GRE which was not required for my masters. The application deadline for next fall is Nov. 15th so I am going to start studying for the GRE and see where I am in a few weeks if I dont feel ready than I will just prepare myself for the spring semester application deadline which is in April. I have to score within the 70th percentile in one subject area and in the 50th percentile for the other two subject areas so we shall see.

I am also still considering applying to Law School so that I can keep my options open. Those of you that know me know this has been in the back of my head forever and I put it on hold to have a baby. Amir and I spoke about this over the weekend and decided that we can do both.

So that where I am right now studying for the GRE and LSAT.....

In other news Horseback riding has been kicking my butt. It seems that ever since I decided to prepare for this show my trainer has become a drill sargeant. We have been working longer and harder and feel it all the time but I still love it.

In cycle news I am on Cycle Day 17, I stopped charting halfway through this cycle because I had alchohol quite a bit this cycle and a few restless sleep nights so my chart all around was not accurate so I just gave it up. I dont think I ovulated yet though I think I will ovulate in a few days so we shall see. This month Amir and I are just trying to have sex everyday during our fertile window and we shall see what happens. Last month I think we missed it because my ovulation date was off by two days and we stopped having sex a day or so after I thought I ovulated because we were tired.

Anywho we shall see only time will tell...

Background Credit

I just wanted to say thanks Jin for the background!! I never know where to go to change my background and you always give me sites to check out whenever you change yours so I felt I should give credit where credit was due! It was about time for a change.

Have you ever been really hurt or upset by something but felt that you really had no business being mad about it? Thats how I feel today I am so frustrated by things going on...so overwhelmed by everything...and I feel like I unintentionally created new issues for myself. Whenever I feel like things are going great something ALWAYS manages to rain on my parade. I don't know if its hormones or what but I am just a mess today and should have kept my butt in bed. I have no reason being at work today...

Moving on...

So my period showed up after a huge dip and a 17 day Luteal Phase....I thought this was our cycle but I am not mad that its not. It would have been perfect because of timing with work but I can't plan my life around work, right?

I am actually trying to prepare for a horse show this spring and I want to compete in the show pretty BAD! So Amir and I decided yesterday that if it happened great we are not preventing it and we would obviously be THRILLED but I am not gonna worry about the fact that it hasn't happened until after my show. I can't ride if I am pregnant, at least not as rigorously as I want to in order to compete in show. Riding keeps me sane and it gives me time to think and spend time with me if that makes any sense and I truly love it. I reaaaaalllly want my own horse! Amir said we can discuss that within the next few years. I just want to be able to ride whenever I want.

In other news the first few weeks of school have been exhausting to say the least. The first few weeks you must focus heavily on classroom management and instructional time comes in between that. On top of that I am the grade level lead so I have a lot of additional responsibilities which have lead to a lot of late work days.... I just have a lot going on... I teach all day, then work aftercare a few days a week, then have my own graduate course I am taken as a certification requirement, then I am an adjunct professor at a college out here and teach one night a week there I love my college class though they are pretty awesome....Then I have to find time to be a wife which is my favorite job and I need time for ME. The funny thing is as crazy as my schedule is I wouldn't change a thing because I hate a lot of idle time.... but I will not front like I am not EXHAUSTED!

This leads to an argument I had with a cousin of mine a few weeks ago. I hate confrontation and try hard not to put myself in it but I felt like this was a case where I needed to stand up for myself. Tiffany (My Cousin) asked me to be the Godmother of her child when she was pregnant last year. I told her I did not think this was a good idea for several reasons and respectfully declined. Although I didn't get into my reasons with her I felt I had tons of valid reasons for not wanting to be the Godmother

• I live in Maryland they live in New York, I never really see my cousin so I would likely never really see her child I didn't want to be a Godparent that was pretty nonexistent in her life. Even when I go to NY I am going to visit my immediate family and very close friend unfortunately this cousin does not fall in the spectrum and I kind of try to avoid my moms side of the family which is another story in and of itself. Needless to say I didn't think I would see her much.
• The other reason I said no was for my own moral beliefs...My cousin thought it was OK to sleep with a married man and TRY to get pregnant (we wont even get into how I feel about the fact that she GOT pregnant and there are so many other women who have been trying forever and can't and are not sleeping with married men) She got pregnant this man left his wife (not divorced just moved out) and is living with Tiffany and their daughter...I try very hard not to be judgemental but there is SOOOOO MUCH wrong with this picture!!! I truly felt in my heart that I did not want anything to do with the situation and therefore I did not want to be the Godmother.
• Another reason I said No is because I already have a Godson here in Maryland and Amir and I decided that was enough.
• Finally I will admit as selfish as it sounds at the time that she asked Amir and I were moving towards TTC our own child and that was where my focus was and that's wanted to think about. I wanted to be there for my cousin but not in that capacity.

So needless to say I said NO.... She begged and begged and begged and simply said I was honored but did not think it was a good idea. So finally her last attempt she got me she asked me to stand up in church as the godmother because we are catholic and the rules of the church are that the godparents must be catholic. I said fine. Fast forward to about a week ago I am being yelled at disrespected and being sent text messages telling me I am a horrible Godmother because I don't ask how her daughter is and see her daughter enough.... Umm I speak to this cousin almost everyday!!! and in the midst of the conversation I usually ask or hear how her daughter is doing I didn't know it was a requirement me to literally state on a daily basis..."How is Hailey" I also live 4 hours away I am not coming to NY weekly to see anyone gas and tolls are expensive and since Hailey has been born I have been to NY 4 times I have seen her 2 of the 4....and one of the other times we had plans to see each other but she had strep throat....I am sorry but I simply did not see where I was wrong at all in this situation and I refused to admit fault. I explained to my cousin I was doing the best I was able to do and with all that was going on in my own life including TTC our own child...I could not give more of myself. I am usually the friend or family member that goes above and beyond for others and I often over do it and often give so much of myself with very little if any appreciation...I then find myself upset and feeling unappreciated. So in this case I refused to give more of myself...Needless to say this conversation ended with me saying I don't think i am a good Godparent for her child and she obviously feels I am not doing a good job so maybe she should ask someone else...I told her I am stepping down as godmother. This turned into her feeling that I was saying I did not want to be in her daughters life and she says that hurts her to no end. So as a result we have not spoken since this argument....

I don't know I just feel like its time for me to give to myself all that I give to others and if that makes me selfish well I guess that's what I will be but I think everyone has the right to be selfish every once in awhile.

Confident!!

So I walked into this cycle with alot of confidence. I just hope my new found confidence doesn't cause me to come crashing downs when and if things don't work out for me. Anyway my chart looks good in terms of I know I o'd this month I think I am 2 dpo and I am so happy!!! Even if this month doesn't turn out to be the month I am happy that I know I am ovulating. I am happy that everything so far is I guess OK and I think the reality is that I needed to be a little more patient.

This month would be amazingly perfect. I would not have to return back to work until Baby Greene (as Amir and I call our nonexistent child) is almost 4 months which makes me feel so much better than sending a 6 week old to daycare. It gives me the whole summer to bond so I am praying with all my heart and soul that this is our month. The timing is right, our timing was right, and I know for a fact I actually ovulated! So I feel good about this cycle but I know I need to be patient and all things will happen in due time.

Schools Back In Session

Sorry I have been so MIA blogging! School is back in session and the kids arrived yesterday. I have been so busy getting ready and I still have tons to do. Yesterday was a long and exhausting day. I didn't leave work until about 6pm last night and when I got home I just crashed. I slept from 630 until about 11pm. I then got up completed some work I needed to get done and then went back to sleep. Well I will give a detailed account of my first week in a few days . I now need to get ready for work....

Before I do...I must add that I spoke with my doctor and I don't have PCOS. She said to just monitor my cycles and keep her posted if they continue to be out of wack.

Finally!!!

AF has arrived!!! I don't think I have been this happy to see my period in AGES!!! But I am happy to move on to a new cycle and I promise to be as deligent as possible with temping so that I can see if I am Ovulating at all. I will have the results of my blood work later this week the doctors office said it takes up to a week for Hormonal testing to be complete. I am excited and have decided this will be it!

PCOS???? WTF!!!!

I went to the doctor today and my doctor basically told me this is what she believes my problem is. Truth is I am such a self diagnoser (totally not a word) and suspected this. It was just lastn night I was sitting at the computer reading symptoms off to Amir seeing if he noticed any of these symptoms. I dont really have any of the symptoms except the all of a sudden irregular Periods and my miscarriage history. I wont know 100% for sure until my blood work comes back. This makes me really sad and upset and frustrated. I really had a break down today and if one more person tells me "Its just not the right time and you will get pregnant when the times is right" etc.... I am going go off. I don't get how its the "wrong" time. We have money in savings, we have very little debt, we have the space, and we have the desire. I just hope this works out.... I don't want to spend cycles inducing AF by using Provera. I don't want to go on Clomid. I just want to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy on my own.

I just don't understand how or why and all I keep wondering is WHY ME? I feel like I am being punished for somthing.

Needless to say today was not a good day :-(

My new found love....

So I married into a family of horse lovers. Amirs mom owned her own horse for several years and all of her boys, including my husband, are trained to ride. So with that being said I knew it was only a matter of time before I was pulled in. Well As of last week I am taking riding lessons. I am really excited about it but was super scared at first. I honestly didn't realize so much went into riding. My legs are sore and it requires a lot of coordination. But I love it. My goal is to become good enough in the next few years to compete on an adult equestrian team. The school I take lessons at has an adult team but you have to be 30 to compete so I have 5 years to become an experienced rider. Amir and I went out today and purchased me some riding gear. Mainly just a helmet and few little things I am not going to get anything major until I can assure a commitment. I will have to take a hiatus whenever I become pregnant but from my understanding I can ride as long as I am comfortable in the first few months so we shall see. I will definitely discuss with my doctor.

On another note my anniversary was great. Amir and I went to South Carolina as planned we spent a day in Hilton Head and went to Savannah, GA for our actual anniversary. We went on a horse and carriage ride in historic Savannah walked along the river and had dinner it was really nice. We spent that evening hanging on the deck of the beach house and playing with the dogs who loved their little vacay as much as we did. Next weekend we are off to NY for a friends baby shower and then the following weekend back to South Carolina for Alleathea and Erics Wedding. July has been a crazy month.

Happy Anniversary tooo Me....

OK well not quite. Our Anniversary is actually Sunday. But anyway I am very excited to have finally hit the one year mark and anxious to see what year two has in store for us. There are tons of plans for the upcoming year and I am just hoping those plans work out. Having a baby is one of them. I also intend to apply to a Phd program and Hawaii next June!!! Those are the highlights!

The past year has been amazing. I have truly enjoyed being a wife and although there were times when Amir has driven up a freaking wall there has never really been a time when I thought it was a lost cause. We have grown a lot as a couple and made great strides in committing ourselves to each other and accepting that God plays a huge role in our marriage.

Anywho tonight we are leaving for 4 days of rest and relaxation at a beach house in Seabrook, South Carolina. I am really looking forward to our trip we will go to the Beach and also take a short road trip to historic Savannah. We were gonna go to Charleston as well but decided against it since we will be back in South Carolina in a few weeks for my friends wedding. That in and of itself will likely be a blog entry! The theme is Christmas in July its in Charleston SC on July 25th and there will be everything from Christmas trees to Candy Canes and our Bridesmaids dresses are red so I think it will be interesting. But anyway....I am pulling out the top of the wedding cake! and grabbing champagne! This also just so happens to be the guesstimated perfect time.

I think ovulation is around the corner (for those of you who chart here is a link to My Chart, although I am still working on grasping the concept of this charting thing. But I think I did pretty good for the first month charting and I have to admit charting helped me be less obsessive! Which is crazy because I thought it would make me more obsessive.....

I am also posting some wedding pics in honor of the weekend. This time last year I was going crazy! Happy 4th of July weekend!! I will likely not be back until after our vacation....We have a rule against long internet and cell phone times when we are out of town.

Beyonce!

So yes I am a Beyonce fan. I think she is a great singer and I have loved her since she was in Destinys Child singing "No, No, No" Anywho last night I went to the Concert here in DC and it was absolutely amazing!!! She really is a great performer she not only sounded great live but she danced the whole entire which makes for a good show in my opinion.

It was good time....I have added some pics from the concert.

I think it was also a great time for me because this was honestly my first "real" concert. Everyone I know has been to tons of concert and go all the time but I never manage to catch the artist I really want to see. The next concert I want to go to is either the Rock the Bells Concert which is all old school hip hop or a Kanye West Concert.

Feeling Better

AF finally showed up!! I don't know why I am so excited to see AF but I just was ready to move on and try again. It showed at 34 days. So I guess we shall see how this works. I am officially on Cycle 2.

I spoke to a very good friend on Saturday and she really helped me put things in perspective. I realized this will not happen on my time. It will happen when the Lord is good and ready and although I would love for my timing to be his timing as well I realize that may not be how things work... We cant always have what we went as soon as we want it.

Patience!!! I am working on it and I know I will be ok.

Thanks for the talk liyah!!!

and Leelee and Jin thanks for the comments they made me feel so much better!!

Not a Good Day

So I am having a hard time with the absence of my period. Its depressing me. I cant think of a time pre-birth control that I had a cycle over 30 days. I am now at day 31 and just really getting sad at the idea that it can be even longer. I know I am not pregnant so why can't it just show up so I can try again. I am dealing with some resentment also today. I am just resentful that I listened to Amir and didn't follow my first instinct to get off birth control sooner. I feel like this is gonna cause us to take forever to get pregnant. I am also just not understanding why people who don't want to be pregnant or shouldn't be pregnant for whatever reason always end up pregnant? and why is it so hard for those who want it so bad to conceive?

I am also so upset because I am gaining so much weight and I dont know why.... I am really worried about that. I need to find a away to get that under control.

I am just really sad....

I changed my mind.....

I am buying a BBT. This morning I woke up with no AF but a big BFN (I know I said I would wait a week but I couldn't) at that point it hit me.....

I dont know whats going on with my body and I won't know.....

Sigh I give in.

Not really liking my hubby right now...

Amir and I are not friends right now. I guess thats one of the great things about being in a loving relationship. I love my husband with ALLL my heart and that would never ever change. But just because I love him does not mean I have to like him 24/7. Soo right now I don't like him.

We are both very stubborn and we get into debates neither one of wants to concede and admit fault and it results in us just kinda staring at each other not really budging. Its kind of funny because we will do that until someone folds. Today I folded I got up and walked away to take a shower came back said I am going to bed love you good night and that was that. But I am super annoyed with him right now....

VENT OVER

Judgement Week

So my first 2ww is slowly coming to a close. In theory AF should arrive tomorrow although I have no sign or symptom saying that will happen. If I dont get AF by the weekend I will test. I have decided that If I end up on a cycle 3 I will start to chart at that point. I was gonna chart cycle two but I keep feeling like if I purchase a BBT its admitting that I have been defeated this cycle. I am not ready to admit that yet. I am still wishing and hoping and preying that I am pregnant NOW. We shall see I will keep you posted.

I Passed!!!

I had to take my Math exam this morning in order to recieve my provisional certification and I passed!! I am so glad that is over with. I have failed it by 1 point twice!!! which is more frustrating than failing it substantially. But today I not only passed but I passed by quite a few points :-) So I am free from standardized test. For now.

In cycle news I am either 6 or 7 days past ovulation not 100% sure. I had some cramping on yesterday and the day before which made me nervous because I thought maybe I missed O but then I noticed lotion like CM which is not fertile so I think I am safe.

So this cycle will be over sometime next week I hope. Unless I end up like one of the GP ladies with 100 days with AF that would really suck and make me sad :-(

Well time will tell.

My very first 2ww

So I am due to start AF in about 11 days. I am at a point where I want it to just be that point already so that I can try again next cycle and actually chart!!! So I know when I ovulate. I am not sure if we caught it this month between be not really be sure when it would occur and Amirs back going bad about half way through my cycle we most likely missed it. But of course there is still that small glimmer of hope that I Just maybe caught it anyway. But I won't hold my breathe.

In other news I am getting a lesson plan together we are reading and African Folktale called Asani the Spider tomorrow morning and then the kids and I will make Spiders. Its Friday I like to find fun things to do at the end of the week its also the end of the school year these poor kiddies are restless.

I should have charted...

Now I am feeling like I should have charted :-(

I have no clue if I am ovulating or not lol. I have seen NO CM at all not even a little which leads me to I am not fertile....

OK I am sure I am over thinking life but I just feel this was a bad Idea to not chart.

I hate Math

So I have to take a math exam in order to qualify for certification as a teacher in DCPS. i have taken the test twice in the past 2 months and keep failing it by 1 freaking POINT. I am so annoyed I think I will likely have one more chance to take it without getting in trouble from my program so I need to seriously study. I will admit the first time I did not study at all and second time I called myself studying an hour before I got up to leave for the exam so I need be realistic and actually study. I think between trying to finish and defend my grad school thesis and finishing up a course in order to graduate I really just was not motivated to study math but now I need to get it together and really have no choice as I will not be able to teach without passing it and I have no excuse since I am currently done with school.

In other news I met with my principal on Friday and I will be teaching third grade next year. I am very happy about that when I signed up for this program 3rd or 4th grade were my first picks and I ended up with 1st grade moreso out of that being what was available and me having to take whatever came my way as I agreed to go where i was "needed" and not be picky. I love my first graders but I dont like teaching this grade. So I am very happy and excited to be teaching a grade of my choice next year.

On the TTC front I think I am on day 7 of this cycle and am assuming I will ovulate either on the 25th or 26th of this month I really hope its the 26th seeing as I will be driving back from Charlotte on the 25th. I have looked at 3 or 4 ovulation prediction sites based on my LMP and a "normal" cycle all have predicted the 26th except for 1 that predicted the 25th. I am not sure how "normal" my cycles are seeing as I have been on birth control on and off for forever. So we shall see....

Birth....

So I just read my friend/big sister Maati's birth story and it made me cry and was beautiful and amazing and made me so much more anxious and excited to become pregnant and be a mom.

I want to have a natural childbirth, ideally with a midwife. Reading Maati's birth story only reconfirmed my desire to do that. I think its important for me to be in tune with my body when giving birth and I am also anti epidurals and hospitals based on things I have seen when my friends have given birth. Of course everyone thinks I am crazy and thinks I need to have a baby the traditional way. We shall see.

AF just left so since I decided not to chart this month I can only guess when I will ovulate Amir and I just decided to try the every other day method this cycle. I am bound to catch ovulation that way RIGHT??? LOL I know, I know definitely not a guarantee.

To Chart or Not to Chart.....

That is the question... that i am truly beating myself up over.

Amir and I haven't really discussed simply because I really do know my husband well enough to know what he will say. He will tell me to chill and see what happens. He knows I have OCD and he knows I will probably become more obsessed with getting pregnant than I already am. To be honest this is my fear. I am afraid charting will be way too much for me and it will make me stress out too much. I just can't decide what to do.

I guess I need to decide ASAP seeing as AF will be here any day.

Bittersweet Weekend

So this weekend was a bit rough for me. We start out with Friday which was May 8th. That is my mothers birthday which is always hard for me. I still at 25 can't decide what I would have preferred, a life knowing my mother and then losing her or the life I have now. Not remembering my mother at all because she died when I was so young. I guess there is no choice that would be "better" its just hard to deal with. That being said mothers day being 2 days later is only worse and I guess its even harder for me now because prior to being married mothers day was just another day for me but now I spend this time with Amirs mother and it just makes me a little sad. I love my MIL dearly and I think she tries super hard to always make me feel like "I have a mother" but of course its not the same. Thats a picture of my mom.

On a happier note... this weekend my little cousin graduated from my Alma Mater Howard University!!! Woohoo! I am so proud of her and her graduation made it a great weekend since I spend alot of time with my family.

Worse Day Ever!!

Ok not really. It was just a very exhausting day to go along with my very exhausting week. I am officially done with Grad school for now. I will be graduating in under 10 days. I will have a break through the summer before I start my second masters in education.

My principal does not believe in substitutes I don't know what but she doesn't. As a result not once, not twice, but three times this week I was stuck with not only my high energy very active first graders but half of some other teachers class because she was out. This morning I felt like Arnold in Kindergarden cop.



At one point I sat down and put my head in my hands and all I hear is Tarae (my favorite student although we shouldnt have favorites. I actually have 3 lol) but anyway all I hear is Tara saying you guys look Mrs. Greene is so mad at us. I felt bad I was not mad just feeling overwhelmed.

This is my first few months teaching, I started in February and at times I simply feel like I was thrown in this classroom with no guidance or direction.

Well hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am heading into DC to go meet my aunt, uncle, and cousin for dinner. Their in town for my cousins graduation from Howard :-)

This is It!!!

So last nigh Amir and I decided that the birth control I started Monday would be the last birth control I start until after we concieve. So this is it its official as of May 11, 2009 we will be on the Trying to Concieve Train :-)

I am so scared and excited. I am scared I wont get pregnant for months, I am scared I will get pregnant and miscarry, I am scared my family won't be excited for me although this is naturally the next step for Amir and I.

We shall see I am very excited about Amir and I being parents and raising a mini us together. I think he will be an AMAZING father and I believe I really will be a good mother.

Well I will keep you all posted on this new journey my husband and I are choosing to embark on please keep us in your prayers and hope that all things will work out and in Gods time.

Thank God its Thursday!

I love Thursdays!! My kids have specials all afternoon so I have a good long planning period which I always appreciate. This is also one day closer to Friday and depending on their behavior today I may give them some movie time tomorrow afternoon. Its the last day before Spring Break and they can use the rest I sent home a pretty thick packet of work for the week so I am not gonna be to hard on them.

In other news I am so looking forward to this upcoming week!! I am going to Lorettas house on Saturday for a girls night in which includes, movies, drinks, fondue and girl chat!! Then on Monday I am off to Nashville to see Porcha, Rahmen, Senbi, and Jeff! I really love going to visit them I feel its a great meditation state for me. I eat my best since they are vegans and I am so at peace it gives me time to think and reflect on things. I will try to blog while I am there.

Love and Forgiveness

My neice really taught me a powerful lesson today and she doesn't even realize it. She taught me its OK to just let things go sometimes. I was really angry with her last night to the point that I simply told her I no longer wished to speak to her anymore. This morning I speak with her and she simply said I am never going anywhere I love you and you can't get rid of me that easy just because you are mad.

I am so used to cutting people off. Thats how I operate you upset me I cut my losses and move on. I have done it so often in life it means nothing to me. But today I realized that sometimes thats really not the answer sometimes cutting people off is the wrong way to handle a situation and sometimes you just need to forgive and let go.

I have a very close friend and she and I talk often about forgiveness but sometimes its SO hard. But I am getting there and learning that if I walk around angry and hurt at others and refuse to forgive who am I hurting??? They move on, their life is fine, their not really affected by my refusal to forgive. However I am!!! I am mad and bitter and angry and thats reflected in my actions on a daily basis so why put myself through this???

Today I learned a powerful message and it was from someone I least expected to learn from and she doesn't even realize it. She finally inspired me to do something I should have done nearly 8 months ago!!!

I finally chose to forgive Uche I mean I really forgive her. I don't hate her, I don't wish bad on her, I want nothing but happiness for her. I didn't even feel that way a week ago because I was still holding on to a grudge even though God has been telling me for months through my dreams to let go and forgive. Sometimes we are stubborn and even when the answer is right in our face we make our own choices. I finally stopped being stubborn and I finally realized I needed to forgive to move on. I have no desire to be "friends" with Uche but I don't hate her anymore and I really am hoping life is good on her end. I also apoligized today which was something I needed to do in order to truly let go. I sent her an email apologizing for my cruel words, and for things I may have done to hurt her, and apologized for not being a better friend to her.

Thanks to Joycelyn I am choosing to Love others more and learn to forgive. But I must always give credit where credit is do and one of my closest friends has been telling me I needed to do this forever but just like God has been telling me this I was simply ignoring the obvious answer right in my face.

On that note I must go pick up my kiddies who I miss since I was out of work Friday and Monday!!! Today is going to be a good day!

Exhausted

Teaching is so freaking exhausting!

I literally walk in everyday and take a nap for at least 20-30 minutes before I can truly function and get anything done with my evening. Now I am starting my next day and again I am extremely tired.

But I do love it and my kids and I am happy with my career change its just very draiing. Especially at my school where I am dealing with so much in terms of the state of the children. I go beyond a teacher I am a parent, a social worker, and so much more...

Don't Get It....

So I have a niece who is 19 years old. This time last year she got pregnant and she and the guy decided they wanted to have this baby and get married. Although I was completely AGAINST this because I have my own opinions on the situation things worked out and I happy for her. My beautiful nephew Ryan was born on November 7th 2008 and I love him dearly I also love her husband. He is a good guy hardworking and takes great care of my niece and their child.

Here is what I don't get... How the heck is she pregnant AGAIN!!!! She claims they were using condoms etc... and she has no clue how this happen but I don't understand how this could have possibly happen if that is the case?

She has chosen not to have this second child which I also do not agree with but its not my life right? I do not believe abortion should be used as a form of birth control and I believe when you are married abortions should not be an option. I additionally feel that that when people make mistakes they need to learn from them and work through them and accept the results of those mistakes....

I really just do not understand how people who do not want children always end up with them and those that do do not get the opportunity right away for whatever the reason may be.

Praying for a Snow Day!!!

So it is not looking so great outside and there have already been some school closings. However the Chancellor of DC is infamous for NOT closing school... However seeing as a commute all the way from Maryland I would be very grateful to not have to drive in this mess tomorrow. I am strong advocate for giving the city time to get the roads in order. We shall see but as my title says... I am PRAYING for a snow day :-)

Since I took down my old blog I realize there are no pics of my class room posted. I will make sure I post some pics in the near future.

Until tomorrow that is all!

Combined my Blogs

I decided to just have one blog instead of one for teaching and one for my everyday life. Teaching is part of my everyday life so I might as keep this all together in one blog.

Any who I have alot on my mind today. We had parent teacher conferences and out of 17 students guess how many parents showed up??? ONE!!! Its incredible how parents show they care about their children. I have tons of children that need so much help. I teach first grade and there are so many of them behind grade level and I just dont get it. NO DEDICATION.... I guess thats what happens when you teach in a high needs school.

In other news I got into a bit of a fussing match with Amir because he does not listen and therefore does not get my points ever. Although today he claims he "got it" we shall see. He has been going out alot lately hanging out with his friends and thats fine I really do not care. But I do care that he has had all this time to spend with them and no time to spend with me. All I ask is that we TRY to find one day a week to spend with each other. Whether its a dvd night after work or something. I do not really care what I just want some uninterrupted Amir time. No computers, no cells just us....

Am I asking for too much???

Of course he states I am acting like he can not ever go out.... ummm I DID NOT SAY THAT!!! All I said was can you in addition to finding time to go out find time to spend with me. For some reason men think because we live together and see each other daily in the essence of going through our days we spend time together. NO DUMMY thats not spending time together,

OK vent over....

Babies on the Brain

I try so hard not to be absorbed with the idea of motherhood but I want to be a mom so bad. Although my desire is real I think it is also in part do to everyone around me having babies.  Amir and I decided that this summer would be our ideal time to embark on this journey.  To be honest this is what I am most anxious and looking forward to this year. Not my birthday, our any trips etc... Just our anniversary and the official start of us ttc!!! 

Ok enough about that. Until another time.