Making some big decisions!!

So since I had Alex and then go sick I feel like my life has been on hold. I have been just getting by and doing what I can to make it through each day. Recently I decided that was not enough and that it was time to continue to move forward. So I made some HUGE choices for me in the past day.

The first choice is I will be applying to graduate school! I want a second Masters in Education Policy and its something I have wanted forever! That being said I have started the application process for 2 schools here in the area and I am taking the GRE in April, applications are due in June so this is a one shot deal for me I have to do well on this test.

The other choice that is a big one for me but not necessarily a major change is I am leaving the first grade. I love teaching but I hate teaching first grade. The reason I have stuck with it this long is because its what I know. I had a very long conversation with my principal yesterday about my future, my career goals, and just how I was feeling about my current place. First grade has been a great starting point for me but I want to teach older kids and the older Alex gets the less I want to teach the little ones. First graders are very clingy and needy and it's completely out of my element to deal with that on a consistent basis. I have done so this long because its my job and I have gotten use to it but it is not where I want to be.

So next year I will be teaching third grade. This is a huge deal because my ratings as a teacher will now be based on how well my students perform on a standardized test which is a huge weight added to my already heavy load. My principal promises me as much support as she can give and I am moving to a team of amazing teachers that will give me a huge amount of support. I am looking forward to this change.

I fell off my Horse

Not once but twice Wednesday. It wasn't really a big deal I hopped up immediately both times and jumped back on. But I am so feeling it today. My shoulders are killing me.

I was practicing some fence jumps, something I have done a trillion times and I kept shifting my weight forward instead of back. The result was every time the horse headed down in her landing I went flipping over her head.

Its definitely a lesson learned.

In other news I am going out with some coworkers tonight! Absolutely looking forward to a night out. Something I have not in ages!

Crashing...

I don't know what's up with me lately but I am exhausted and overwhelmed. As a kid I was always the cry baby in the family and as an adult I kind of resented that and don't cry too often. I am pretty sure that's not good considering since having Alex and being diagnosed I can count on my fingers how many times I have really cried. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. I had big plans to get out the house early so I could get to work early and get some things done. I get all the way to work only to realize I had not taken a medication I absolutely needed to take prior to my treatment that afternoon. I was unable to get in touch with Amir so I had to leave work shortly after arriving and go ALL the way back home. When I got in the car I just lost it and I pretty much have been an emotional mess ever since. I hate feeling weak. I met with my oncologist yesterday and admitted that the combination of being a new mom, that works full time, while attempting to be a good and supporting wife, in addition to all this cancer crap is taking its toll on me. I am tired not only physically but mentally. I feel like my only peace of mind lately is riding...I love my horses and its one of the few times my mind is actually clear. In many ways it has replaced what ballet used to do for me.

I can't sleep...I spend half the night tossing and turning and the other half listening to the snores of Amir and Alex who tend to sleep so great. When I am sleep I can't cut off the stress of my life. I am dreaming about work or things that need to be done at home.

I don't know what to say except its 3:30am I have to be up in 2 and half hours and I don't see an end in sight. I think I am finally crashing. My oncologist told me to slow down and that no one is going to give me an award for being super woman. In fact she was just about ready to pull me out of work. The truth is I don't know how to slow down....One of my biggest stressors right now is I feel like I am not doing enough. I want to go back to school and get my PhD before Alex is school age. That seems virtually impossible now. I have all these plans and everything is on hold and I hate it. I function with list and deadlines and dates. I plan everything! The fact that I am feeling so out of control of my life right now is truly the reason I feel so spent. I need to find a way to stop, regroup, and get organized. Until then I really think I am going to only continue to feel like I am crashing.