Chemo

Tomorrow is my first day of Chemo. I have had a medi-port put in which is basically a way to give the nurses direct access to your veins without having to get an IV every time you go. I had a surgery to put this device under my skin in my shoulder and I numb it with lidocaine about 30 min to an hour before chemo and the connect the me to an IV line through the port. This is suppose to be less painful and a lot simpler than an IV at every appt. I have to have my blood drawn once a week and they can use the port for this purpose as well.

So I have to take 3 different drugs in my Chemo regimen. The plan is to take the first two (adriamycin and cytoxan) and which are the worse of the 3 simultaneously, bi-weekly for 8 weeks. In addition to this I have to go in the day following my Thursday treatment to get an injection. The injection is to boost my White Blood Count because the Cytoxan affects my white blood cells. Once I am done with this 8 week regimen which brings right into the new year I will start a 12 week regimen of the last drug (Taxol). I am going in to take this once a week and I do not have to get an injection along with this unless my blood draws show a low white blood cell count.

Now thats just the chemo. I am also mid reconstruction. I have expanders in and because I was having a rough time healing I have not had them expanded any more than the size they were when I came out of surgery. The purpose of expanders is to stretch my breast muscle and skin in order to get a permanent implant in there to fit properly. So in between Chemo sessions I need to go in to see my plastic surgeon who will inject Saline into each expander on a biweekly basis until they reach the right size. I will then go back into surgery to have to expanders replaced with permanent implants. But here is the kicker before each expansion I have to get my blood drawn! If my white blood count is down...I can't get expanded.

Once I have the surgery to replace the expanders with permanent implants my plastic surgeon will then use some excess skin to make nipples and then they tattoo them on. Currently I just have a straight line going across my breast.

After I am done with the 5 months of chemo I will go on hormone therapy which is a pill I take daily for the next 5 years. the drug will continue to suppress the production of hormones in my ovaries. If Amir and I decide we want to try for another baby we can come off the drug and under close monitoring try to conceive but that also hoping that my fertility was not compromised from all the meds. My oncologist believes because of my age I should be ok in a few years to try and conceive again. I think we will try again in 2 years and then I am going have my ovaries removed at the recommendation of my oncologist. The purpose behind this is to prevent my body from over producing estrogen which my tumor tested positive for.

Our other option for fertility was to go through an IVF cycle now and harvest the embryos. We opted against this for several reasons. The biggest reason being that I still have not started a cycle since I stopped breast feeding. Because I can't predict when it will show up we didnt want to put off chemo and just wait for my period. The other reason we opted against was the money. With a new baby in our home we can not afford the added, unexpected expense of IVF.

Any who I think that pretty much covers updates on the cancer front.

In the world of Alex he is doing AMAZING. Gosh I just love this kid. He has his first tooth coming in and he is now sleeping in his crib (YAY me! We know this was a big step for me) I am so happy I made the change I sleep so much better now. He has also been sleeping through the night the past few days but I am not sure if thats a fluke. I will say I think its funny that I was once told that Alex co-sleeping with us was inhibiting his ability to be independent and self sooth because I can lay him in his crib at the sight of sleepiness and he will put himself to sleep without even a cry.

Finally had a break down

Since the moment I received my diagnosis I have tried to be strong. In many cases I feel I have handled this news better than some of my family and friends who have cried and clung to me since day one. I think I finally really broke down yesterday and my poor husband did not know what to do. He tried to make me feel better but nothing he said made me feel better and finally he just stopped talking. Its so dumb because I was crying over something so minor. With all the MAJOR factors I need to consider with the reality of breast cancer. I was sad because I was going to have no hair for my next birthday. I guess in my brian I thought by the new year I would be done. Yesterday I met with the oncologist and the reality of Chemo really kicked in. The reality of being tired, menopausal, sick, and hairless for 5 months hit me hard. I know it sounds so trivial. I know I need to be grateful for my life and for the medical technology that has helped me survive this but I am still a 26 year old woman and I just want to be that. I just feel like cancer has taken ALL that makes me a woman away. I will go through early menopause and need to PRAY it reverses or we will have no more children. I lost my breast and now my hair.....I am heart broken. Not to mention I feel like a terrible mother. I can only hold Alex for but so long before it becomes painful or difficult. I am tired ALL the time and I just want my life back. So I guess in retrospect I was not crying because I was going to be bald for my birthday it was because I realized how much of my life cancer has taken from me already in its short lived presence and I realized how far we still have to go.

In other news my beautiful baby boy is now 4 months and I still could not be more in LOVE! We opted to introduce solids and the suggestion of our Pediatrician. I was originally going to hold off until after the 6 month mark but Alex has shown interest in food and I feel he is ready and with all thats going on we just needed a happy moment. I love feeding him its fun! We have only done rice cereal and sweet potato and I am making our baby food using a food processor. I have enjoyed spending more time with my little man while I have been home recouping. I did send him back to the babysitter this week because I am home alone this week and it would be too much to care for him on my own.

Here are some pictures of him eating rice cereal :-)

Halfway done....

So I had my surgery a few days ago and I am starting to feel a little bit like my old self again. I am in a little pain but am able to get up and move around now. I have these things called drains in (which are very nasty so I won't go into to much detail) but I am hoping the drains will be out tomorrow! I think thats been the worse part so far to this whole experience. My breast look very funny right now. When doing reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy they put what is called an expander in. The expander is a temporary implant that is gradually filled until it reaches its maximum size over the course of several weeks. The purpose is to allow the skin and muscle surrounding the implant to stretch. My left side is larger than the right and my nipple is still intact on that side. Its only larger temporarily because that side was able to handle more stretch during surgery than the right. My right side is a lot smaller and there is no nipple so it looks very strange. They both look very bruised and battered and I don't have a whole lot of feeling in either of them.

I didn't look at them until about Friday and almost had a break down at the sight of them. I guess in my brain they were suppose to look just right automatically but thats not reality.

Tomorrow I have an appt with both my Breast Surgeon and Plastic surgeon and then Thursday I have an appt with my oncologist to discuss next steps.

Alex has been wonderful. He is such a happy baby and its something I definitely need right now.

Well at least I have made it through half the battle and we shall see where the rest of this takes me.

Next Steps...

So I am really still overwhelmed and saddened by all that has happened. However I have no time to be worried or scared or stressed, Alex needs me and me not being around for him is absolutely NOT an option so we have to do whatever it takes for me to be a part of my sons life ALWAYS. He is my reason to fight.

So Dr. Teal is my breast surgeon and she is one of the best so I do feel I am good hands. Her recommendation for next steps is extremely drastic though and I am so overwhelmed. She wants to remove both my breast. Not only does she want to remove both my breast she wants to do it a week from Tuesday. This is all happening so FAST and I feel like I have not had a real time to process this. The cancer has likely spread to my Lymphnodes. I have been poked and prodded so much in the last week that I am just DONE. But I can't be done and I think when I realized that I finally had the breakdown. Right on the hospital bed as the radiologist was taking samples of my Lymphnodes I just cried. Cried because I can not in my right mind BELIEVE this is happening to me. Its like a bad dream.

So the game plan is as follows:

I will be having double mastectomy on Tuesday October 12th. The reason for this is because at the age of 26 the odds of the cancer spreading are HIGH appearently in women under the age of 35 breast cancer is really rare. Not only is it really rare it has proven to be more aggressive. So Dr. Teal feels that we should not only remove the infected breast but also take the second as a preventative measure. She fears it will come back and if it does it will be harder to treat. It has to be done so soon because the cancer has already begun to spread.

After the mastectomy I will have reconstructive surgery so I will be in surgery for hours....I don't know much about this process yet. I have an appt with the Plastic Surgeon on Monday. I never thought in a million years I would be getting breast implants.

After all of this I start Chemo. I need to get in to see the Oncologist next week so that I can get a clearer understanding of my options and then I will know how long chemo will be etc.

Right now I am numb. But I am trying to regroup and get a rationale stance on things. I will likely try to get in to get a second opinion next Friday. As long as that Dr. says she agrees then I will absolutely be having surgery. I don't know what else to say right now. I have so much to do. I have disability paper work to submit and I have to take a Leave of Absence from work and I dont even know how long I will be out. I am just trying to wrap my head around all this and also stay halfway sane.

Broken....

Its crazy hour in 5 minutes your whole entire life can change....

Almost a year ago today I peed on a pregnancy test and in 5 minutes knew I would be a mom. I felt this lump in my breast and Amir told me I was crazy Almost a year ago. A few months after the first time I noticed it I pointed it out to Amir again and this time he absolutely agreed. I called the doctor she checked it and told me it was "probably just a cyst" and that there was not much that can be done until I had the baby. She did however recommend I get an ultrasound and I did. The ultrasound to my knowledge revealed a mass, but again I was told it was just a cyst and that I would be referred to a breast surgeon to have it removed after the baby was born.

I saw a Lactation Consultant during my pregnancy to make sure I would be able to breast feed in light of the lump. She told me I should be able to but also insisted that I go see the Breast Surgeon before giving birth. She said if it was a cyst they could aspirate it so that it was not an issue at all. So I made an appt for June 28th. I went into labor on the 27th and needless to say, I missed that appointment. I called on the 29th to reschedule and was told to wait 6 weeks since I planned to breast feed. By then breast feeding should be well established. So I made an appt for sometime in August and again had to reschedule because it was the first day of school.

This all leads us to Monday.

I go in FINALLY to see this Breast Surgeon several months after the initial discovery of this lump. She initially seems optimistic about what it is and says she wants to do another Ultrasound and biopsy that day. This is when I realized things were not be stated...this is when I realized things where bad....

She mentioned that there was a lot of blood flow around the mass which typically means Cancer. She said she could not definitively say that because it could simply be a result of my breast feeding. She took some samples and then said several things that made me realize I should worry. She first informed the nurse she wanted the lab results rushed. She then told me I was to report back to her office Wednesday afternoon and the words I will never forget...."Plan to bring someone with you...Just in case" Thats when I knew things were only about to get worse.

Today in 5 minutes my whole life changed.

I was told that I at 26 years old have breast cancer. Once I heard those words I can not even begin to tell you what was said...

I started hearing words like Mastectomy, Chemotherapy, Short Term Disability, Weaning etc... I am so overwhelmed and really don't know how to feel...

Cosleeping...

So Alex has been sleeping with us since day one. We have a co-sleeper that attaches to the side of our bed and sometimes he sleeps in that but for the most part he sleeps right in the bed with us. We keep pillows and blankets away from him and I am a super light sleeper so I am actually up a good portion of the night off and on checking on him. So I feel we safely co-sleep and I don't think there is any real issue. However everyone else does!! I have been told over and over that we need to put him in his own bed in his own room and I am just not there yet. Honestly I love keeping him close to me additionally I am still nursing and its convienant. My lactation also told me she encourages me to co-sleep until I decide to stop nursing because it will help me get through the lack of nursing during the day.

My aunt told me the other day that she feels I am being selfish and interfering with Alex's ability to develop independence by allowing him sleep with us. This actually made me SUPER upset! I don't feel that I am doing this. Alex is capable of sleeping pretty much wherever I put him and doesn't depend on me for it. Furthermore he is 3 months...How much independence does he really need?

I will move him to his room eventually but for now I am content with our current arrangement and I don't see what the issue is.

Feeling so Overwhelmed and worried...

Yesterday I spoke with my stepmother who has pretty much been my mom my entire life. My mom died when I was two and my step mom has been around since about 5 or 6.I love her like a mother call her mom Alex will call her Nana and she is my sisters mom. She didnt remove the struggle of growing up without a real mom but she was still always there. Yesterday she told me she has breast cancer and I am devasted. My mind cant wrap itself around this and I am so sad. I cant lose ANOTHER mom. My sister can not grow up minus a mom the way I have. I know things will work out. I know I need to keep faith in God and I know I need to trust Drs. and treatment and trust things will be OK. But I am so Afraid!!!

Not only am I afraid that something bad will happen I am now afraid about a lump in my breast that I have had since early pregnancy. When I went to the Dr. About it I was told there was nothing that could be done about it because I was pregnant and they would recheck it once I gave birth. 3 months later I am just now getting in to see a breast surgeon next week.

I am overwhelmed with emotions right now and dont really know how to feel.