Broken....

Its crazy hour in 5 minutes your whole entire life can change....

Almost a year ago today I peed on a pregnancy test and in 5 minutes knew I would be a mom. I felt this lump in my breast and Amir told me I was crazy Almost a year ago. A few months after the first time I noticed it I pointed it out to Amir again and this time he absolutely agreed. I called the doctor she checked it and told me it was "probably just a cyst" and that there was not much that can be done until I had the baby. She did however recommend I get an ultrasound and I did. The ultrasound to my knowledge revealed a mass, but again I was told it was just a cyst and that I would be referred to a breast surgeon to have it removed after the baby was born.

I saw a Lactation Consultant during my pregnancy to make sure I would be able to breast feed in light of the lump. She told me I should be able to but also insisted that I go see the Breast Surgeon before giving birth. She said if it was a cyst they could aspirate it so that it was not an issue at all. So I made an appt for June 28th. I went into labor on the 27th and needless to say, I missed that appointment. I called on the 29th to reschedule and was told to wait 6 weeks since I planned to breast feed. By then breast feeding should be well established. So I made an appt for sometime in August and again had to reschedule because it was the first day of school.

This all leads us to Monday.

I go in FINALLY to see this Breast Surgeon several months after the initial discovery of this lump. She initially seems optimistic about what it is and says she wants to do another Ultrasound and biopsy that day. This is when I realized things were not be stated...this is when I realized things where bad....

She mentioned that there was a lot of blood flow around the mass which typically means Cancer. She said she could not definitively say that because it could simply be a result of my breast feeding. She took some samples and then said several things that made me realize I should worry. She first informed the nurse she wanted the lab results rushed. She then told me I was to report back to her office Wednesday afternoon and the words I will never forget...."Plan to bring someone with you...Just in case" Thats when I knew things were only about to get worse.

Today in 5 minutes my whole life changed.

I was told that I at 26 years old have breast cancer. Once I heard those words I can not even begin to tell you what was said...

I started hearing words like Mastectomy, Chemotherapy, Short Term Disability, Weaning etc... I am so overwhelmed and really don't know how to feel...

Cosleeping...

So Alex has been sleeping with us since day one. We have a co-sleeper that attaches to the side of our bed and sometimes he sleeps in that but for the most part he sleeps right in the bed with us. We keep pillows and blankets away from him and I am a super light sleeper so I am actually up a good portion of the night off and on checking on him. So I feel we safely co-sleep and I don't think there is any real issue. However everyone else does!! I have been told over and over that we need to put him in his own bed in his own room and I am just not there yet. Honestly I love keeping him close to me additionally I am still nursing and its convienant. My lactation also told me she encourages me to co-sleep until I decide to stop nursing because it will help me get through the lack of nursing during the day.

My aunt told me the other day that she feels I am being selfish and interfering with Alex's ability to develop independence by allowing him sleep with us. This actually made me SUPER upset! I don't feel that I am doing this. Alex is capable of sleeping pretty much wherever I put him and doesn't depend on me for it. Furthermore he is 3 months...How much independence does he really need?

I will move him to his room eventually but for now I am content with our current arrangement and I don't see what the issue is.

Feeling so Overwhelmed and worried...

Yesterday I spoke with my stepmother who has pretty much been my mom my entire life. My mom died when I was two and my step mom has been around since about 5 or 6.I love her like a mother call her mom Alex will call her Nana and she is my sisters mom. She didnt remove the struggle of growing up without a real mom but she was still always there. Yesterday she told me she has breast cancer and I am devasted. My mind cant wrap itself around this and I am so sad. I cant lose ANOTHER mom. My sister can not grow up minus a mom the way I have. I know things will work out. I know I need to keep faith in God and I know I need to trust Drs. and treatment and trust things will be OK. But I am so Afraid!!!

Not only am I afraid that something bad will happen I am now afraid about a lump in my breast that I have had since early pregnancy. When I went to the Dr. About it I was told there was nothing that could be done about it because I was pregnant and they would recheck it once I gave birth. 3 months later I am just now getting in to see a breast surgeon next week.

I am overwhelmed with emotions right now and dont really know how to feel.

Failures and Success!!

So my IUD equals a major fail! No I am not pregnant again BUT at my 1 month appt to check on it, it was halfway out. My midwife was able to grab it out without any tools which is not good...So I opted not to get a second one because she said chances are it will come out again. My only other options are charting to avoid and/or the mini pill. I got a prescription for the pill but am so on the fence about taking it. We will see.

Cloth Diapers on the other hand are going so well!! I love them I will post some pics of Alex later. I am home with him today.

Catching Up

I know it has been FOREVER since I have posted but life has been so hectic. Work and Alex keep me very busy. The new school year is off to a great start and I really like my kids this year. We have a new principal who keeps us super busy and when I am home I give 100% of my time to Mr. Alex. He is getting so big and I adore that little baby so much. He is attempting to roll over now and he coos and smiles and it simply melts my heart. He is sleeping great at night although I don't mind if he does wake up because I just nurse him back to sleep.

Returning to work has not been so bad. I love what I do but I hate being away from Alex. I think about him alot during the day but I am not going crazy I know he is in good hands. The only problem we are having is when I am not at work. I have become pretty unwilling to leave the baby with anyone because I don't like being away from him more than I have to be. It seems that so many others don't understand it. Everyone keeps insisting I take some time and space from my baby. I am just not there yet.

I did however return to riding so that is at least 2 hours I am away from him and thats Alex and daddy time. Riding has been such a great way to relieve some stress. I will be in a Show in a few weeks, crossing my fingers I place.

In other news we are going green. I wanted to try cloth diapers but got lazy with the idea once we had all these disposables. Well I am so disqusted with the amount of diapers we go through! We have 2 garbage of just diapers each week and that is ridiculous! So we are converting. I ordered a cloth diaper trial from Jillians Drawer and I ordered a couple of other Pocket Diapers on sale from a few sites. I should have all my diapers this week! I can't wait to get started.

Breastfeeding is going well and I am super proud to annouce my baby is still 100% breastfed despite my return to work. If I can help it he will not recieve any formula. I am determined to breastfeed for at least a year.

Well thats all I have for now I am tired and need to get up early so I am going to bed.